What to read to understand why I “outed” my abuser (Rod Wanger) on facebook
Content warning for this post: I discuss rape, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and gaslighting.
Know My Name by Chanel Miller - I was worried that this would be triggering for me, and it wasn’t. I’ve written about this book before, but not in this context. For folks who have not been touched by abuse (or you don’t know if someone you love has been touched by abuse), I am so happy that the universe has spared you this trauma. Chanel gives you a window into the pain and questioning of healing, and somehow does so on a horrific subject in a gentle and beautiful way. If you haven’t heard of this book, Chanel Miller was known as Emily Doe when Brock Turner raped her. Here’s what she said in her victim impact statement (“victim” is the court’s word, not hers or mine). For those of you who have survived abuse, here’s just one thing that has helped me from her book:
“You have to hold out to see how your life unfolds, because it is most likely beyond what you can imagine. It is not a question of if you will survive this, but what beautiful things await you when you do.”
Today, I’m holding on to that. I highly recommend her podcast, Childhood, and her instagram account with her art. She makes life more beautiful.
We Were the Mulvaneys by Joyce Carol Oates - the Mulvaneys’ daughter is raped, and she is the one exiled and who has to pay the price. It tears apart the family that looks perfect from the outside. Secrets tend to do that.
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk - I’ve only read part of this because I got triggered and couldn’t go back to it. I think I could read it now while I’m in treatment (but I’m also loving reading middle grade novels and giving my brain a break). The author breaks down how trauma rewires the brain, and how trauma survivors so often live in fight/flight or freeze (actions ruled by the amygdala vs. the frontal lobe). In the trauma, that saved us. But now that we are safe, it’s hard to use different coping mechanisms. I’ve recommended this to folks who don’t understand what I’m going though.
And not a book, but words just from me and my heart: For over 30 years, I stayed silent out of fear. When the me too movement was happening, I thought the world might have changed enough for me to have some justice and peace. I got a Christmas card from my former step sister, and saw a picture of her young daughter. I had to do something after being concerned for her safety. I reported him (Rod Wanger, currently lives in Stillwater, Oklahoma, with his fourth wife after at least two marriages ended because of domestic abuse or more). Nothing happened.
Last week, when I wrote my facebook post, I wanted to share the trauma I had experienced. For years, even after being diagnosed with PTSD, I would say that I had childhood trauma and hope that the person I was talking to would understand that it was years of senseless abuse. When I was writing that post, I wrote first childhood trauma. Then erased it and wanted to be more precise, so I wrote about the abuse. Then I wanted to make sure that folks didn’t think it was my wonderful Dad, so I wrote former stepdad, and I happen to have two of those, so then I had the courage to write his fucking name. For most of my life, hearing his name (either as a name, or in reference to a thing, like a fishing rod) would send me into a panic attack. I’ve had to leave a job interview because a candidate said the name. Not anymore. It’s time that Rod can be held accountable in some way, if not by the state of Oklahoma, at least he can know that I will not be silent anymore. And I hope I am alone, and he didn’t abuse anyone else. I also want to make sure he doesn’t have the chance to hurt anyone else, so folks who know him who have children should know that he’s a pedophile and keep their distance.
If you know him, and this was hard to hear, I’m sorry. So often abusers have charismatic personalities on the outside, and then terrorize folks in their homes. If you know him, and this was hard to read because I’m making it public, at least you didn’t experience the abuse. I understand if you need some time to process, but you can’t be in my life if you aren’t going to support my healing or believe me. I felt like I had to choose truth or family, and I’m choosing truth (knowing I might lose some family). But it’s your choice if you want to remain in my life.
Rod, I hope someone has forwarded this link to you. What you did to me from when I was FOUR FUCKING YEARS OLD to 10 to all the times after when you would still assert your power because you were still in my life: you tried to ruin me and break me. Maybe you succeeded. I’m not sure how I will survive this after I’ve been fighting for so long. But while I am still on this earth - and I am trying so hard to be - know that you created a fierce advocate for survivors and for those experiencing mental health illnesses. Know that I am generous and funny and brilliant in spite of you raping and beating me and calling me fat (and making the rest of the family do it, too) and gaslighting me. I still struggle to take showers because of what you did to me in them. I still have night terrors where I’m trying so hard to scream - and can’t - that Grant hears me and wakes me up. I had one last night. And yet, I still have enough courage to write this and hit publish.
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